Minute 1: I'm full! I have my entire future ahead of me! I have so many possibilities! Perhaps I will quench the thirst of a top athlete, or maybe I'll get thrown onto someone in disgust... I know that's usually an alcoholic beverage, but I have a chance, right? I feel cold. I feel good. I can feel the condensation forming around me! Such a nice feeling, I don't want it to ever go away!
Minute 15: So, as it turns out... I belong to some random girl in a restaurant. Not the most exciting thing in the world, but it could be worse! At least she's had a few sips of me! I don't know if it's because she's actually thirsty, or because this date of hers is as awkward as a bald llama. This is going to be fun!
Minute 20: She went to the restroom. I'm just kind of sitting here now, I hope I didn't make her have to go. I don't think water works that quickly... But who am I to say? I'm just a glass. Anyway, I've been checking out this glass of wine from across the room. She has a nice shape to her. After we're washed tonight, I might make my move.
Minute 45: She eventually came back and drank most of me. Really all that is left is some ice. Such is life I guess, as least I'm not living this post as the water itself! Otherwise this would be the end! I'd be dead! But... I'm not. *Whistle* Wait, did I do that or... oh, he's trying to impress her with that old trick? Good try buddy, but this girl ain't interested... and I'd appreciate it if you take your filthy hands off of me.
Minute 59: Goodbye lady! Thank you for finishing the water inside of me, I may not feel quite as fresh as I did earlier, but that's okay! There's always tomorrow. And hello there... I couldn't help but notice you from across the restaurant. Yes, yes I am free tonight. What kind of stuff did you have in mind?
Minute 60: This is a lovely view. I always enjoy the trip back to the kitchen and washroom. I remember this one time that the waitress almost dropped me! It was crazy, thought I was going to die. That would be a terrible way to die you know? That entire trek down... just knowing that you're going to shatter into pieces and cause someone great pain and grief... ah...
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
bear.
Day 1: I am a bear. I like to do bear things.
Day 2: Today I ate some honey.
Day 3: Today I went through a person's trash, it was yummy.
Day 4: Climbed a tree, though I'm afraid of heights.
Day 5: Saw another bear, stayed away from it. Bears are scary.
Day 6: I ate some berries, I like berries.
Day 7: I went for a swim today. Tried to catch some fish. I need more practice.
Day 8: I'm a bear. There aren't many of us left.
Day 9: I hear something about a "Fallout" game... where bears turned into hideous monsters. I don't want to learn more of this "Fallout" thing.
Day 10: I said hi to some people camping, but they ran away. I must be really ugly.
Day 11: If I were a human, I'd go to the store and eat honey.
Day 12: I went to the store today and ate honey. The humans were not amused.
Day 13: I'm just trying to fit in with humans. They were in a hot tub so I joined. I didn't think it'd be a big deal that I wasn't invited, but... it was.
Day 14: Man, I've done this for two whole weeks! Time to celebrate with honey.
Day 15: I saw a female bear today. Papa bear wants some of that honey.
Day 16: I sat today. I did nothing else, just sat there contemplating my existence. What a world.
Day 17: Hi! I'm bear.
Day 18: I should buy a boat, that way I can fish the way humans do. They usually seem to do alright, and it's not much effort.
Day 19: I've talked to a human doctor about changing my species. He ran away.
Day 20: Why don't I have any bear friends?
Day 21: Today marks the third week that I've kept a journal. The funny thing is, I don't feel any better like that psychologist said. He was a strange one though, maybe it only works for humans. More than anything, I just want to fit in with the humans. Every time I approach them, they run away and scream. One time I even got shot at. It just doesn't seem to me like the kind of thing you do to a possible friend. Maybe I'm just not cut out to be a human. Suppose I'll go grab some berries. Then do bear things for the rest of my bear life...
Day 2: Today I ate some honey.
Day 3: Today I went through a person's trash, it was yummy.
Day 4: Climbed a tree, though I'm afraid of heights.
Day 5: Saw another bear, stayed away from it. Bears are scary.
Day 6: I ate some berries, I like berries.
Day 7: I went for a swim today. Tried to catch some fish. I need more practice.
Day 8: I'm a bear. There aren't many of us left.
Day 9: I hear something about a "Fallout" game... where bears turned into hideous monsters. I don't want to learn more of this "Fallout" thing.
Day 10: I said hi to some people camping, but they ran away. I must be really ugly.
Day 11: If I were a human, I'd go to the store and eat honey.
Day 12: I went to the store today and ate honey. The humans were not amused.
Day 13: I'm just trying to fit in with humans. They were in a hot tub so I joined. I didn't think it'd be a big deal that I wasn't invited, but... it was.
Day 14: Man, I've done this for two whole weeks! Time to celebrate with honey.
Day 15: I saw a female bear today. Papa bear wants some of that honey.
Day 16: I sat today. I did nothing else, just sat there contemplating my existence. What a world.
Day 17: Hi! I'm bear.
Day 18: I should buy a boat, that way I can fish the way humans do. They usually seem to do alright, and it's not much effort.
Day 19: I've talked to a human doctor about changing my species. He ran away.
Day 20: Why don't I have any bear friends?
Day 21: Today marks the third week that I've kept a journal. The funny thing is, I don't feel any better like that psychologist said. He was a strange one though, maybe it only works for humans. More than anything, I just want to fit in with the humans. Every time I approach them, they run away and scream. One time I even got shot at. It just doesn't seem to me like the kind of thing you do to a possible friend. Maybe I'm just not cut out to be a human. Suppose I'll go grab some berries. Then do bear things for the rest of my bear life...
book.
Day 1: I used to be a very worthwhile investment in education, society, and life in general. Now I sit on bookcases and never see the light of day. People complain of my weight, but I'm made out of paper! There's not exactly a lot I can do about my weight. I see those fancy e-readers and I can't help but worry for the future of humanity. They may think that digital is forever, but... it's not. Paper may be fragile, but it's physical. It's real. That is just a bunch of numbers floating around in space.
Day 2: Someone picked me up today. I got excited until I realized it was just to place me on some papers to prevent them from blowing off in the breeze. Why are we still using paper, but ignoring books? Talk about frustrating.
Day 3: Today I was used as a coaster. I now have a ring on my cover from the beverage. There's such a thing as respect, you should respect the books. Don't have to read us if you don't want to, but coasters were invented for that purpose. Not so you could use books as a replacement.
Day 4: I'm now sitting on a table with a 25 cent sticker on me. What a way to go, I had a retail value of $6.99 just 5 years ago! You might as well give me up for free, cause that's how you're making me feel. All I'm worth is a handful of candy from those dispensers at the mall. I'm done.
Day 5: Well, I was sold. Some old man bought me, now I'm sitting in a garage full of books. Isn't this wonderful? At least I'll die with others of my kind. I really thought that books would be timeless, that humans wouldn't tire of us so quickly. I was so hopeful when I was first printed. Thinking I'd bring entertainment and education to many people. We all have to give up our dreams someday I suppose. Mine just came a little sooner than I was expecting.
Day 1001: There hasn't been much to report. Though yesterday a young child came through the garage and looked at me. I saw joy in her eyes. She finally cared about what I had to say. This was a good day, though I don't expect it to ever happen again. Still, perhaps there is some hope out there for books like myself. I can only hope.
Day 2: Someone picked me up today. I got excited until I realized it was just to place me on some papers to prevent them from blowing off in the breeze. Why are we still using paper, but ignoring books? Talk about frustrating.
Day 3: Today I was used as a coaster. I now have a ring on my cover from the beverage. There's such a thing as respect, you should respect the books. Don't have to read us if you don't want to, but coasters were invented for that purpose. Not so you could use books as a replacement.
Day 4: I'm now sitting on a table with a 25 cent sticker on me. What a way to go, I had a retail value of $6.99 just 5 years ago! You might as well give me up for free, cause that's how you're making me feel. All I'm worth is a handful of candy from those dispensers at the mall. I'm done.
Day 5: Well, I was sold. Some old man bought me, now I'm sitting in a garage full of books. Isn't this wonderful? At least I'll die with others of my kind. I really thought that books would be timeless, that humans wouldn't tire of us so quickly. I was so hopeful when I was first printed. Thinking I'd bring entertainment and education to many people. We all have to give up our dreams someday I suppose. Mine just came a little sooner than I was expecting.
Day 1001: There hasn't been much to report. Though yesterday a young child came through the garage and looked at me. I saw joy in her eyes. She finally cared about what I had to say. This was a good day, though I don't expect it to ever happen again. Still, perhaps there is some hope out there for books like myself. I can only hope.
Pokemon.
Day 1: I am a Charmander. Today was the day that some kid claimed me as his own. He is my new master, though I don't fully understand why I am to listen to this child. I am the more powerful one, no? But I shall fall in line like the rest of my kind. As long as this kid knows what he's doing.
Day 3: I learned ember today. I am still questioning the quality of my master. He had me attack a water type with ember. Master, I do believe scratch would be more useful in this type of situation. What are you going to do though?
Day 7: It's been a few days since I've experienced battle. I'm growing restless inside of this little pokeball. And why do I get a crappy normal pokeball? Don't I deserve to be in a luxury ball? Why are the others treated more preferably than I? Oh master, what is your problem.
Day 18: Today I evolved. I am now a Charmeleon. This is nice, I can feel my attacks have much more power. I will be a Pokemon God.
Day 20: So, today something weird happened. I was in the middle of a battle with a Zubat and it used supersonic. I was confused why it did this, it was strange. It had no real effect on me, but I thought this might be a good time to mess with my master. I slapped myself across the face when he asked me to use dragon rage. He got angry, but didn't blame me. It was fun, I shall do this whenever I feel the time is right.
Day 40: I finally evolved into my final stage. I'm a magnificent Charizard! I don't really think I have any use for my trainer at this point, but... he's helped me get to where I am. I suppose I owe him a bit longer. Just know that your time is finite.
Day 47: Master taught me how to fly today. I now know why they complain about learning to fly. I didn't really know what to expect when he pulled out that disk. This is a day I cannot too soon forget.
Day 53: This is a glorious day. My master and I have conquered the Elite Four. I faced off against my greatest rival, Blastoise. He had no chance against me. I am Charizard, too fast for him. I feel the time has finally come for me to part ways with master. It has been quite the journey my friend. Perhaps we shall meet again.
Day 3: I learned ember today. I am still questioning the quality of my master. He had me attack a water type with ember. Master, I do believe scratch would be more useful in this type of situation. What are you going to do though?
Day 7: It's been a few days since I've experienced battle. I'm growing restless inside of this little pokeball. And why do I get a crappy normal pokeball? Don't I deserve to be in a luxury ball? Why are the others treated more preferably than I? Oh master, what is your problem.
Day 18: Today I evolved. I am now a Charmeleon. This is nice, I can feel my attacks have much more power. I will be a Pokemon God.
Day 20: So, today something weird happened. I was in the middle of a battle with a Zubat and it used supersonic. I was confused why it did this, it was strange. It had no real effect on me, but I thought this might be a good time to mess with my master. I slapped myself across the face when he asked me to use dragon rage. He got angry, but didn't blame me. It was fun, I shall do this whenever I feel the time is right.
Day 40: I finally evolved into my final stage. I'm a magnificent Charizard! I don't really think I have any use for my trainer at this point, but... he's helped me get to where I am. I suppose I owe him a bit longer. Just know that your time is finite.
Day 47: Master taught me how to fly today. I now know why they complain about learning to fly. I didn't really know what to expect when he pulled out that disk. This is a day I cannot too soon forget.
Day 53: This is a glorious day. My master and I have conquered the Elite Four. I faced off against my greatest rival, Blastoise. He had no chance against me. I am Charizard, too fast for him. I feel the time has finally come for me to part ways with master. It has been quite the journey my friend. Perhaps we shall meet again.
dog.
Day 1: Look at this person! I love you! Do you like my home? I really like it here, there is a lot of food and people. Oh, we're going for a walk? Okay, we should probably go get my leash! Yay! Walks! What's that thing? A box... you want me to go into the box? Why? It's fun out here! Oh fine. Into the box. What's this place? Where's my home? Oh look! More people! Hello, I love you!
Day 2: This home is nice. I like it. There is food and people, but the cat doesn't seem to like me too much. I will win the affection of it somehow. Perhaps if I sniff its butt enough, it will start to appreciate my intention.
Day 3: There was food today. And I played fetch with the humans, why they get so much enjoyment out of watching me bring a ball back I don't understand, but I'll amuse them for now. After fetch, I slept. It was a good day.
Day 4: I was punished for eating today. It was right there on the counter, they eat off of the counter all of the time. These are confusing humans. At least they provided the usual food today, but it didn't taste as good as the counter food. I'll have to be more sneaky if I want the counter food.
Day 5: There was sleep today. Much sleep. Oh and I managed to eat the fluffy thing on the sleep area. That tasted good. I shall eat more of those. I hope humans will be pleased when they get back home. Until then, more sleep sounds like a good strategy.
Day 6: There are things outside of home. Fluffy cat-like things. I want to go smell their butts, but the door has blocked my path. I had a dream while I slept today, that the cat was chasing me. It was quite frightening, how something so small can be so scary is a mystery to me. I'm not sure where it is either, I usually see it. I wish I could be with the cat-like creatures. Maybe someday.
Day 7: I did not feel very well. So I puked. Now I feel better, but humans are not happy with me. Not sure why. These are confusing humans, but I still love them. Oh look! The box! Where are we going this time?!
Day 2: This home is nice. I like it. There is food and people, but the cat doesn't seem to like me too much. I will win the affection of it somehow. Perhaps if I sniff its butt enough, it will start to appreciate my intention.
Day 3: There was food today. And I played fetch with the humans, why they get so much enjoyment out of watching me bring a ball back I don't understand, but I'll amuse them for now. After fetch, I slept. It was a good day.
Day 4: I was punished for eating today. It was right there on the counter, they eat off of the counter all of the time. These are confusing humans. At least they provided the usual food today, but it didn't taste as good as the counter food. I'll have to be more sneaky if I want the counter food.
Day 5: There was sleep today. Much sleep. Oh and I managed to eat the fluffy thing on the sleep area. That tasted good. I shall eat more of those. I hope humans will be pleased when they get back home. Until then, more sleep sounds like a good strategy.
Day 6: There are things outside of home. Fluffy cat-like things. I want to go smell their butts, but the door has blocked my path. I had a dream while I slept today, that the cat was chasing me. It was quite frightening, how something so small can be so scary is a mystery to me. I'm not sure where it is either, I usually see it. I wish I could be with the cat-like creatures. Maybe someday.
Day 7: I did not feel very well. So I puked. Now I feel better, but humans are not happy with me. Not sure why. These are confusing humans, but I still love them. Oh look! The box! Where are we going this time?!
rock.
Day 1: I have arisen from the ashes of my former self. I am a phoenix. Reborn to spread justice across the lands. Let it be known on this day that I, Stan, will not rest until my duty is completed.
Day 723: I have yet to move from this spot, but I stand resolute in my mission. No bad shall occur on my watch.
Day 912: I still have yet to move from this spot, but I sighted something moving off in the distance. Perhaps I must align myself with this being to complete my destiny.
Day 1004: That strange being I saw in my last entry ventured closer and examined my brethren, afterwards casting them off. A nice assistance in their journey perhaps, but when it came to me it placed me into a dark area. I am both fearful and hopeful.
Day 1005: Just as I had hoped, my destiny has provided a path for me. I have been bound to another being, nothing more than just a line. I feel this must be that marriage thing everyone was talking about, I must be kind to my new partner in justice.
Day 1042: Today I was used to club another strange being into submission, surely this being must have done something terrible. My path to justice has finally begun. In other news, my partner and I are getting along. I attempted to strike up conversation, but nerves got the better of me and nothing came out. Someday.
Day 4484: After my long journey of justice, I was unbound from my partner. I didn't see this coming, I am now divorced. Along with that I was set aside with some of my brethren. My future is unclear.
Day 6897: Today I was gazing out over the sea when one of the strange beings came over and sat by me. I felt this thing must be feeling almost as useless as I, so I attempted to comfort it. I must have said something wrong, as it tossed me out into the sea. It is cold, dark, and wet in here. I shall wallow in self-pity for now.
Day 1345921: The sea has dried up. I once again see the light of day, but I am but a shell of my former self. Just a lowly pebble. Once an agent of justice, I am forced to watch from aside. Perhaps this was my destiny all along. I shall make with it what I can. Until next time...
Day 723: I have yet to move from this spot, but I stand resolute in my mission. No bad shall occur on my watch.
Day 912: I still have yet to move from this spot, but I sighted something moving off in the distance. Perhaps I must align myself with this being to complete my destiny.
Day 1004: That strange being I saw in my last entry ventured closer and examined my brethren, afterwards casting them off. A nice assistance in their journey perhaps, but when it came to me it placed me into a dark area. I am both fearful and hopeful.
Day 1005: Just as I had hoped, my destiny has provided a path for me. I have been bound to another being, nothing more than just a line. I feel this must be that marriage thing everyone was talking about, I must be kind to my new partner in justice.
Day 1042: Today I was used to club another strange being into submission, surely this being must have done something terrible. My path to justice has finally begun. In other news, my partner and I are getting along. I attempted to strike up conversation, but nerves got the better of me and nothing came out. Someday.
Day 4484: After my long journey of justice, I was unbound from my partner. I didn't see this coming, I am now divorced. Along with that I was set aside with some of my brethren. My future is unclear.
Day 6897: Today I was gazing out over the sea when one of the strange beings came over and sat by me. I felt this thing must be feeling almost as useless as I, so I attempted to comfort it. I must have said something wrong, as it tossed me out into the sea. It is cold, dark, and wet in here. I shall wallow in self-pity for now.
Day 1345921: The sea has dried up. I once again see the light of day, but I am but a shell of my former self. Just a lowly pebble. Once an agent of justice, I am forced to watch from aside. Perhaps this was my destiny all along. I shall make with it what I can. Until next time...
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
cow.
Day 1: Hello, my name is Daryl. I'm a cow, well actually I'm a bull, but nobody cares about these things anyway. This is the start of my log. I intend to live life to its fullest. Have fun for awhile and then settle down with some nice girl and have a few calves.
Day 3: Today I was placed into a small metal compartment and then it bumped. When the bumping stopped, I had no idea where I was. This is some sort of magic and I intend to get to the bottom of it.
Day 4: The mystery of the metal teleporter has continued to illude me, I must move on with my life. Perhaps it is the work of the great ones. Destiny has called me here. I am ready for anything oh great ones.
Day 9: Today I talked to Patrice. She seems nice, though I'm not allowed in the same sectioned food ground. I long for her at night. Perhaps someday she will be mine.
Day 13: Is the grass greener on the other side? These are questions no man should be faced with.
Day 27: Today the old man mistook me for one of the girls and tried his usual means of getting milk out of me. I didn't realize that I was capable such feats, perhaps I don't know much of myself at all. This is troubling.
Day 30: I've heard through the grapevine that Patrice is going to have a calf. I guess I missed my chance, such is the life of a cow.
Day 33: I saw Patrice today. She looks nice, I'd like to say that I'm happy for her. But I'm a selfish bull, I just wish it were my calf she were having.
Day 45: Today a strange man came and looked at me for a long time. What could this mean, I must graze on it.
Day 46: I was once again placed into the metal teleporter. Now there are many people during the day, I am very fearful. I wish Patrice were here.
Day 47: They all looked at me, I feel as though I'm just here for their entertainment. I cannot go on anymore, the pain of not having Patrice is too great. Goodbye cruel world.
Day 50: I was safely returned to my section. I saw Patrice and her calf, who looks like that other bull that hides in the water. I should have known it was him all along, there aren't any other bulls around!
Day 3: Today I was placed into a small metal compartment and then it bumped. When the bumping stopped, I had no idea where I was. This is some sort of magic and I intend to get to the bottom of it.
Day 4: The mystery of the metal teleporter has continued to illude me, I must move on with my life. Perhaps it is the work of the great ones. Destiny has called me here. I am ready for anything oh great ones.
Day 9: Today I talked to Patrice. She seems nice, though I'm not allowed in the same sectioned food ground. I long for her at night. Perhaps someday she will be mine.
Day 13: Is the grass greener on the other side? These are questions no man should be faced with.
Day 27: Today the old man mistook me for one of the girls and tried his usual means of getting milk out of me. I didn't realize that I was capable such feats, perhaps I don't know much of myself at all. This is troubling.
Day 30: I've heard through the grapevine that Patrice is going to have a calf. I guess I missed my chance, such is the life of a cow.
Day 33: I saw Patrice today. She looks nice, I'd like to say that I'm happy for her. But I'm a selfish bull, I just wish it were my calf she were having.
Day 45: Today a strange man came and looked at me for a long time. What could this mean, I must graze on it.
Day 46: I was once again placed into the metal teleporter. Now there are many people during the day, I am very fearful. I wish Patrice were here.
Day 47: They all looked at me, I feel as though I'm just here for their entertainment. I cannot go on anymore, the pain of not having Patrice is too great. Goodbye cruel world.
Day 50: I was safely returned to my section. I saw Patrice and her calf, who looks like that other bull that hides in the water. I should have known it was him all along, there aren't any other bulls around!
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